It’s Not You. It’s Not Him. It’s the Pattern That’s Breaking You.
We’ve all been there: the same fight on repeat. You say something, he pulls away. He gets defensive, you get louder. You both walk away feeling misunderstood, unseen, and lonelier than ever — even when you're sitting right next to each other.
And you start to wonder:
Is it me? Am I too much? Too needy?
Or maybe: Is it him? Why won’t he just listen, show up, or care the way I need him to?
Here’s the truth through an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens:
It’s not you. It’s not him. It’s the dynamic — the emotional dance you’re stuck in — that’s causing the pain.
Understanding the Pattern
EFT views relationship struggles not as character flaws or personal failings, but as cycles of disconnection that take on a life of their own. These cycles are predictable. They often look like:
One partner reaches out (maybe with frustration or criticism), the other shuts down or pulls away.
One tries harder, louder. The other retreats further.
Both feel hurt, both feel alone — and neither knows how to stop it.
This is the pattern. It’s the enemy, not your partner.
Why the Dynamic Hurts So Much
When we feel disconnected from the person we love most, it strikes at our deepest fears: Am I lovable? Am I enough? Will you be there for me when I need you?
EFT recognizes that love isn’t just about communication skills — it’s about attachment. When that attachment feels shaky, we go into survival mode. That’s when the protest, the shutdown, the criticism, or the silence kicks in. And each reaction reinforces the other, keeping the cycle alive.
Healing the Relationship — Together
In EFT, we slow things down. We help you both recognize the pattern, name it, and begin to step out of it together. The goal isn’t to decide who’s right or wrong — it’s to understand the emotional logic behind each of your moves.
When couples can say:
“When I get angry, I’m really scared you’re drifting away.”
“When I shut down, it’s because I feel like I’ll never get it right for you.”
…something powerful shifts. Walls come down. Real connection begins.
So If You’re Feeling Stuck…
You’re not broken. He’s not broken. Your relationship isn’t doomed.
But the pattern? That needs to change.
And with the right support, it absolutely can.
If you're ready to stop fighting each other and start fighting for your relationship, I'm here to help.
Whether in person in NYC or virtually, I offer a warm, attuned space to help couples find their way back to each other — using Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman-informed tools that work.
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